Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
