Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
