When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
