he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
