so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
