Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
