roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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