They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
