Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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