I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
