Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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