You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
