I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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