I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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