I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
