thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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