apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
