so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.