I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table