just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
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Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
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Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.