Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
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If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
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Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem