the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
