If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
