im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
