I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I did not marry a roomba.
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