it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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