Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
