I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
where does the pee come out of this thing
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
