shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
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Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
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On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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