Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
