Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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