I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
