SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
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