i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
