Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
