your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
