I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
