I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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