she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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