So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
