Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
