I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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