Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
