Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
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