He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
