Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
