you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
