By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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