Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
