I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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