Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
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