i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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