Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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