I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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