Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
