your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
