So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
How does one acquire holy water?
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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