My cat gives me a boner
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Randomize
