if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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